Long term bachelor(ette)hood doesn't mean failure

Why is being a bachelor or bachelorette seen as being a BAD thing? Finding a partner is the ultimate goal, anything less is seen as abject failure.

There is a common set of unwritten rules imposed by Government and society into what the average persons life path should take. Alongside getting a job, owning a house, learning to drive, one of these rules involves finding a partner, getting married and having children. Worse still, if you are in a situation where you are the so called "last one standing" within your friends and acquaintances, it makes socialising very difficult as you end up feeling the odd one out in a sea of couples, even to the point of not wishing to socialise with those people. Being single is actively discouraged by the media, Government and ultimately, individuals in society as a whole. Indeed, within modern male advice guides, they actively paint the "eternal bachelor" in a bad light. As if being long term single can only be a sign of abject failure within an individuals life path.

If someone is happy with their life solo, shouldn't we just let them live their life that way? If you are lucky, like I am, people will eventually accept your wish to be single. That's not an indication of ever closing the door to the idea of love, that's just contentment. If you are unlucky, you'll be subject to the repetitive calls of how you are unlucky in love and how you'll meet someone one day. Of course, if you are not happy, then you should take positive steps to change your life, but the main objective of life is to make yourself and the ones you love happy. Believe it or not, being a long term single person doesn't mean that you are sad or lonely. Another case of don't take things at face value or make assumptions about someone.

Why staying single might be better for me...

One thing that I have noticed as I grow older and the spectre of bachelorhood kicks in (it's been two years since I had a relationship), is that the small number of single women there are at my age (I'm 28 by the way) have a number of barriers which prevent them from dating, although I am sure these apply to men too:

• Trust issues: usually drawn from previous bad experience of the opposite sex. Bullying or people consistently feeding you negativity, or even just negative experiences in the past can cause you to doubt the motives of other people, bringing about a vicious circle of distrust.
• Hung up on their ex: and that could last for years, if not decades after splitting up with them. The other persons desire to resume their relationship with them is so strong and their love for that other person so great, that any other relationship they try to pursue afterward will be doomed to fail.
• Desire to pursue someone unavailable: for example, if I wanted to spend the rest of my life with a celebrity. The only problem is, while we can dream of dating someone who is unobtainable (I'm sure we've all done it, I know I have) and its a good thing to be optimistic, you have to be realistic too, which leads me nicely to:
• Being too picky: I know of people who have a list of characteristics they want in a partner as long as a mobile phone bill. Again, its good to have what you want in life, but you also have to be realistic. You can't have everything in life and sometimes, compromise is key. Don't compromise too much or it'll end in unhappiness and of course, don't go for the option of settling or "you'll do" - you'll regret it.
• Mental health issues: conditions such as social anxiety, shyness and negative thought processes (also applies to trust issues) can make someone withdraw from being confident (a very attractive trait) and doing their own thing in life. Best way to tackle this is therapy. I have social anxiety and through both Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and a weekly social group (I met my one and only now ex-girlfriend there), improved my anxiety and fear somewhat. You'll never be cured, but it will improve to a point where quality-of-life improves.

Of course, this isn't and doesn't pretend to be, a exhaustive list of things I have noticed which makes someone not want to date someone else. Now what does this have to do with the title of this blog? Well, I have experienced every single one of them in the past, and sometimes, when people have so much baggage on them, focusing on your own life and doing your own to make you happy is the way to go. Don't give up hope, certainly don't close your heart to anyone who could come into your life but don't focus on finding love either.